i walk in and order take out. a bit of discussion follows as i ask them to mix two dishes together. tiger vegetables and shredded tofu skin. your favourite. i walk out again then walk back in to sit and wait. a head pops up near my face. are you ok? english with an accent: you look confused.———————you walk around campus. you’d never been here at night. your search was fruitless. a passer-by passes by though stops for a second to look you in the eye. you wonder if perhaps you’d met before and give a faint smile then walk on. passer-by walks back towards you and says: it’s as if you give off light.——————–you start to watch a movie but the alcohol, the lack of sleep and the softness of the bed take over so you sleep but sleeping isn’t just sleeping and somehow you get yourself into a similar mess. when you wake up his arm is around you his hand is stroking your body, lips on your face. No.——————–learning. giving up learning to learn more.——————–sometimes her general okay-ness amazes you as just below the surface you knows she’s accelerating on a downward spiral.——————–dancing. you dance seven hours to make up for about six months of next to none. you’re happy when he finally joins you for ten minutes after three hours, shyly moving his hands and feet. the next day he gets the chorus wrong every time.——————–you’re delighted to see london, backs in macks, long blonde hair on the bus, his japanese wife and a ping pong bat.——————–in the taxi that night.——————–you eat a pineapple like never before. the way one would eat an apple without tools. you buy it ready skinned. eat it holding on to the prickly leaves. your mouth remains a sour mess for several hours after.——————–coming from, going to, New York.———————you’re fine, after two days.——————–soil. what more to say.——————–you wish.——————–you’d like to want.——————–enough.——————–extra RAM. that’s what you needed. on a sunday afternoon. you’re in a hurry, don’t want to spend hours negotiating. three nerdy college boys. apple computers. do you sell extra RAM? __GB, ___MB or 256 MB? 256. how much? they giggle. 400. they giggle. any cheaper? they giggle more. 350. more giggles. 320. 320. ok. ok. no more giggles.——————–you love the phenomenon of 爬山。爬山。climbing a mountain. climbing a mountain in china. pinstripe suits, nylon socked feet in high heeled sandals, stairs with railings and p h o t o g r a p h s. you think about filming.——————–walnuts. she changed her mind. walnuts, now her favourite nuts. brazil nuts no more. too oily, too chunky, too filling. walnuts two miniature brains in a hard shell. pure joy. knowing when to stop. she thinks about asking his opinion on walnuts.——————–they left. they left many things. she left. her shampoo for curly hair from her local drugstore. your hair is straight. like strands of uncooked spaghetti (?). you use it. your hair has never felt better.——————–you still wonder if his mother told him to say he was going to go 爬山 tomorrow instead of just saying he would join another kindergarten.——————–you are sick or perhaps not really just ultimately exhausted and have a cold with the potential of turning into flu. and an upset stomach. only your boss knows. you sleep. all day. you haven’t done so in years. finally you get yourself together. it’s 8 pm. contacts. you need new contacts. the ones you wear now are already too old and thinning making you feel worse. your usual store is closed by the time you get there. you venture out to the central shopping street. dazed you walk. tourists. people. stuff. tourists. flyers. tourists. p h o t o g r a p h s. contacts. six months. 198 a box. then hunger. you never eat burgers. you never eat fries. the holiday inn and you and burgers and fries. and ketchup. upon paying the bill you ask for a doggie bag of the complementary bread. he must think you weird. jason.——————–was it you that night. in that brightly lit space. did our eyes meet as he was walking me to the gate.——————–and then you didn’t but you also wanted to tell him that you obsess. spy. always there in the back of your head. someone he may know.——————–you met them. lesbians he said. he told you about them. he had given you their number. you hadn’t called yet. some days later. you think. you recognize that face peeking up from the person hugging it popping up on your screen. you scroll down. there they are. lesbians. captured. you think of sending him the link. decide against it. you’d rather hide it. your waste of time. http://www.blogcn.com/user33/breathnew/index.html——————–wrinkles. they start at the edge of his eyes following along the border of his cheeks. framing his cheeks like a picture frame when he smiles. he sends her a text message when she thinks about this. ——————–never quite clear about somersaults. till now.——————–i’ll invite him to the dorodango picnic.——————–then i discover the inside of the cucumber i’m eating is hollow.———————the coffee lobby. confusion. i get my order. i think. a croissant. mustard. lettuce. no egg. he gets his order. we think. a croissant. mustard. no lettuce. no egg.——————–the tofu skin maker. you wonder if you’ll ever see him again. and if you did, would you say you still thought he was the sexiest man in this country.——————–sex. food. laundry. it says on her list. they went out. she couldn’t find fries. they went home. she was unstoppable. whatever did you eat? he asked as she wouldn’t let him sleep. when she finally did have enough she couldn’t sleep, got up and did all the laundry that had been waiting two weeks.——————–japan. now you get tired of talking about it. heavy. loaded. kindergarten debates.——————–this is my mermaid outfit she said as she was about to walk out the door, yellow 1元 ikea bag in hand.——————–nobody knows. but when everyone’s gone. you sneak into the kitchen and steal a bite. a peanut. a cookie. a date.——————–just climb out the window she says and you do. you choose your boss’s window.——————–later i find out he’s half chinese half swedish. it’s his favourite restaurant. david stenqvist (mba). i say: spot on. that’s my general state of mind.