een doorgeven – a passing on: wensten voor haar verjaardag van haar tante marijke. ‘tuurlijk. awkward pause. je ziet haar nog? longer awkward pause. umm…ja.

a sort of passive-aggressive general confession of not having the heart power to say it to you in person, those brief minutes that you came back, also out of guilty obligation, perhaps, to oversee the painters who actually would not come until much later.standing at attention. or sitting.slumped.just like not having the heart power to say the extent of one’s sadness to another’s face.the extent of anger.we worry. oh, what a mean way to say happy birthday to a young girl!but within these marvels that lasted for days [the ogichan is sitting in a wheelchair at the end of the street], all of that happiness [the obachan bends over in front of him], sadness [unfolding the metal and rubber hinge of his chair], anger [picks up his feet, awkwardly if not gruff], resignation [and places them on the footrests], and love. [and love.] are wrapped up in me, wrapping me, and maybe the dutch say that’s just luck.so as you grow up, this day grown up, it dawned,that,underneath that pervasive body of 奇怪 you were actually just a normal little girl dreaming of true love, playing dress-up and blowing dandelions. thinking of castles.but today there is some sort of certainty that it is the day you were born, years before…so a faraway thank you to your mother and father who helped you come into this world, and, yes, from another faraway and roundabout place, much love to you.the real world will never ruin you, like it has the rest of us. but you exist.

誕生日お目出度う happy birthday, aka-chan 生日快乐

today, on your birthday, i received a letter from els. inside is a photo of midas, one bent over with his head to the ground. he can see us upside down. we met before, when he was in his mother’s belly, and now he comes to me, future wonder, a photograph of a boy with berries and flowers on his trousers!the boy of the future of my past, i wonder about how many times we had conversations about nostalgia. (好俗，我知道！）and you are thinking about life ahead, please tell about it! yesterday it was your birthday, and as you become older, keiko-san cuts my hair for the last time，and i become younger. we think it looks cute. good, i look younger! aka-chan feels about the same as yesterday! what did yesterday feel like? about like today! so we can stop thinking forward and stop thinking backwards, today is your birthday, and we try looking next to one another. he says it would be better on that side. maybe. i miss you.i love you, spring moto-car! 不会感冒！

Posted by 丫 | reply »

explosion inside your head makes almost no sound

walking by yourself, not sure if this is the right way. you asked the two older women but they refused to give you directions insisting that the place you are going to is too far to walk and that you must take the train since it’s getting late. you assured them that you will take the train (you didn’t want them to worry) and walked in that direction. but then turned right just before the entrance to the station. you were in no hurry. and you didn’t have anything else to do. or rather, you didn’t want to do anything else and getting lost in this new city seemed like a good idea. then you found the christmas market (the one he was talking about) and you wanted to go up on the wheel but there were all these children with their parents waiting in line so you just walked away. but you had gluehwein and asked if they could put it in a paper cup to take away. families and children and giant heart-shaped cookies. nikolaustag. your birthday. walking away from the christmas market, you looked at the driver of the small blue car that had stopped at the lights. you recognized the annoying photographer from the opening party. but even so, you smiled – it was comforting to recognize someone in this new place. and then you found the way back again; a way back.

Posted by f | reply »

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